A Path Of Ponderings

Sometimes I wander why I bother talking to most people, why bother being nice? When I dropped out of school the only people who supported my decision were Dai and Danni. My family flipped out. Dad stomped around the house, shouting and banging doors, mother cried and begged me to reconsider, Ben called me a looser, dropkick. A waste of space. Marie just ignored me, as usual. I don’t know what their problem is? I wasn’t far of getting expelled anyway. Did they really think I’d further my education?

After about 6 months of being at home all the time (really fucking boring), dad told me to get a job or move out. I got a job. Two nights a week at the shitty bar we hang out at the most. Its grungy as all hell, and the pay is shit. I’m thinking of getting a second job, so I can move out.

Dai is going to art school, he wants to be a designer. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel so lost. When I was five I wanted to be wolverine. Now I have no idea. I’m an adult now, but I feel like I’m a bottle in an ocean. Maybe more like a rock, like I’m sinking. Or like I’m a kite in a cyclone, completely out of control and being torn apart. I wish I could find whatever it is that I’m looking for. Its like trying to remember the name of a place you went to when you were really small. Its something you should know, but you just can’t catch it. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m itching for something to do, but everything bores me.

I finally caught up with Holly today. She’s been working hard at whatever it is she’s working on, but she wont tell anyone what it is. Holly is my cousin, but she’s also one of my best friends, even though I don’t see her all that often. She’s older than me, but as with many people I know, age doesn’t matter. Holly is the one family member that I can get along with. She doesn’t judge me for my choices, she’s gotten drunk or stoned with me on more than one occasion. Not that either of our parents know that.

Talking to holly made me realise just how much I’m missing Dai. It’s like having a limb cut off. It’s a feeling I can’t really describe. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe it’s something else.

I was chatting to a girl in a forum recently, not something I usually do. And I found myself telling her stuff. Stuff that I haven’t told anyone; (until I wrote it here) I told her I’d never been in love. But she found something in other things I said, something that I hadn’t considered.

I’m in love with Dai.

Reading that makes me feel dizzy. Has what I’ve been looking for been right here all along? I feel sick and stupid at the thought. Why haven’t I realised this before? It would explain my inability to fall in love with girls wouldn’t it?

I’m starting to see patterns where, before, there was only chaos.

Dai has never really had a relationship with another guy. He’s sort of dated John, on and off for the last year. I don’t really know how far they’ve gone. I walked in on (and walked back out) John giving Dai head on Dais 18^th. John left soon after. And Dai just wanted to kiss me, then he felt sick, puked, and passed out. He really shouldn’t try to drink as much as me. He weighs so little. He really should eat more. I carried him to bed. When I crash at his place I always sleep in his bed, it’s a double so there’s plenty of room. But that night, rather than sleep on opposite sides, he rolled into the middle and snuggled up to me, like a chic would. At the time I thought it was because he thought it was john in the bed. Now I’m not so sure.

Almost every time we’ve ever kissed, its been his idea. I’ve never minded, chicks love watching two guys kiss. And yeah, I like kissing him, he’s good. But he’s always disappointed when we stop. He wanted to give me head, and did.

Is that what I’d failed to notice all this time? Is that why he keeps breaking up with John? Every time I’m single. And gets back with him when I’m not?

Dai is in love with me?

I really need to talk to him, in person, not on the phone.

I feel like my head is gonna explode, I feel so confused.

Well dad, I think I’m gay.