Horny

Ever had one of those days when you’re so horny you’d fuck a dead camel? Ok, maybe not that bad, but not far off. Heres how my day went. Wake up, wank, go back to sleep, wake up again, wank, again, have shower, guess what I did in the shower? Couldn’t stop thinking about sex all day. Not so much sex as getting head.

I like getting head. A lot. Not all girls are willing to go down on a guy, and most who do don’t have a clue. Not many will swallow either. I’ve been trying to think who the best I’ve ever had was. There’s been a couple who really stand out. One was a friend of Danni, I can’t remember her name, and Amber. But the best, by far, was Dai, fuckin awesome!

One afternoon, when I was 14, Dai and I were chatting in my room and he’d gone quiet, and after a while said, “there’s something I’ve got to tell you”. I said “ok.” He said “I’m gay.” I laughed and said, “I know”. He said “no, really, I’m gay”. “Dude! I know!”

It took him a while to realise I was telling the truth. Then he said “I wanna give you head.” I nearly fell off the bed. I thought ‘ok, its just head, doesn’t make me gay.’ Damn, he was good!

“Ya wanna know something funny?” he asked when we were done. “Your dad saw that, he walked in, and went straight back out again.” So, dad saw Dai going down on me? I didn’t care, but it was funny. Dad didn’t talk to me for weeks, didn’t even look at me, and left any room I entered.

Dai is gay. So what? He’s still my best friend. I wouldn’t care if he was a dendraphiliac.

The next person he told was his mother. All she said was “I always knew you were a bit queer.”

Ever been caught getting yourself off? I have. Caught out by the grinch himself, my dad. It was a Sunday afternoon; I was home alone, watching tv, hand down my pants, on the couch. Dad walked in. I didn’t stop. He yelled at me “oh my fucking god what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I looked at him, “what’s it fucking look like?” Then I came. “don’t you have the decency to be embarrassed? You fuckin’ little freak, You disgust me..” He ranted all the way to the other end of the house and slammed the door of his study. He was too disgusted to talk to me for weeks, until my next stunt.

I love pissing him off.

Damn, I’m so fucking horny.

Oh well, got to go to work.

The sick among the Pure

Whats with the virgin emo chick thing?? I just don’t get it.

Here’s how it goes. I always thought it was a myth.

There was this chick, she’s kina hot, about a year or so younger than me, she followed me around everywhere, like a lost puppy. So I gave up and asked her out. The first few dates were ok. She likes kissing so we made-out a lot, which is fine by me, except it gets me really horny, not helped by the fact that I’ve got this chick on my lap, grinding against me. I invite her home, thinking hopefully that there might be a chance for things to go further. And they do. She likes my hand being down her pants, so much so that she gives me head. A couple of days later it happens again. Not bad, lucky me.

About a week later she tells me that she wants to go further, but that shes a virgin and wants to stay that way. Then she tells me that I can fuck her arse if I want. And I’m, like ‘well if that’s all I’m gone get, why not?’

After, I said that I didn’t see how she could consider herself to still be ‘pure’, after what we’d just done. She said that since she was still technically a virgin it was ok. But she looked worried.

Then less than a week later shes all upset and want’s to breakup.

I don’t get it.

The shit I do to piss off my family

Coloring my hair.

It’s been black, blond and is currently blue, I might go back to black, but the blue really bugs dad.

Piercings, the more the better.

I started with my ears, no one noticed. Next I got a septum; yeah it’s pretty hard to miss a fucking ring through your son’s nose! I got grounded (like that ever stoped me). I got both nipples done when I was 16 (its great having friends who’ll do it for you.). Dad never noticed until I was 17, then the shit hit the fan. Add to that snakebites and my right eyebrow, I should have been kicked out by now.

Put my sister’s tampons in my brother’s sock drawer.

No one else was at home, I wasn’t supposed to be either, I just went home to change before heading out. When I say change what I really meant was….

Wear my sister’s clothes.

I do it all the time, from when she was 14 and I was 16. It started with t-shirts, but soon enough I was stealing her jeans and socks. I don’t bother so much these days, I go buy my own chick clothes.

Get caught fucking.

As often as possible, all over the house.

Get caught kissing guys.

Its only Dai, so I don’t think that really counts. Is that why dad calls me a fag?

Get caught getting head from another guy.

Again, only Dai. Maybe THAT’S why dad calls me a fag?

Smoking, drinking and drugs.

Too easy.

Drop out of school.

It was a waste of time anyway.

Self-Destruction

The more time I spend alone with my thoughts the more I begin to question myself. Why am I so self-destructive? What’s with all this self loathing? I don’t feel suicidal.

Why do I smoke? Habit

Why drink? To socialise, to have fun (I’m such a slut when I’m drunk.) But then why drink alone? What does alcohol do to me? It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, isn’t that what love is supposed to do? Is drinking a substitute for love?

Why use drugs? Each one that I use is for a different reason.

Why rebel? Why the fuck not?

“It keeps growing and I can feel it breathe. I have been trying to behave myself.”

I

Don’t

Feel

Anything

Sex is something I do to kill time?

Probably.

Once I started I didn’t want to stop. Its yet another addiction. I’ve been trying to remember all the girls I’ve slept with. I haven’t been in love with any of them. Meaningless sex?? No, not really. I’ve loved some of them, sort of, just not been ‘in love’. I’ve cared about them. I’m not completely heartless. But sometimes a guy can’t pass up on an opportunity that’s too good to refuse. My first time was one of those. It was a friend of my sister, and I was 15. Marie was having a sleepover with some friends from her hocky team. I was on the way back to my room from the bathroom, I’d just had a shower. Alice came out of Marie’s room and I thought she was heading to the bathroom, I smiled at her, and went into my room. She followed, pushed the door shut and locked it. I wasn’t supposed to have girls in my room. She kissed me, pushed me back onto my bead and had her PJs off in about 2 seconds. Yep, my first time was with one of my sisters friends. Alice was 15 at the time and was in the class ahead of me at school.

Next I dated a couple of girls, only lasted a week or two each. I screwed one of them, I don’t remember which.

Next was Emma, a girl from Dais class. She had the hots for him something bad, unfortunately for her, he’d just comeout. So she settled on me. The sex was ok, she was enthusiastic. We lasted about 6 weeks.

Next was Amber. What a headfuck. Great in the sack though.

Then Crystal, who wanted it then cried after.

Then Michelle. She was 17., I was 16. Ben had broken up with her about two months before. I fucked her, in his bed. He walked in when we were done, and I was using one of his trophies as an ashtray. I ran, they argued for hours after and it seems that this younger brother is the much better lay.

There’s been lots of others. I can’t’ be bothered listing them all.

Do I have a favorite?

Well ‘they’ say you’ll always remember your first, and ‘they’ are right, Alice is my favorite. We tried dating for a while. It didn’t work. Last time I saw her she was preggers (not mine). She got kicked out of school for it. I’ve since found out some rather interesting things about her. She likes ‘breaking in’ young guys. She’s been the first for at least a dozen other guys, and more amusingly girls too. When I saw her leaving my sisters room that first time, well she’d just finished getting sweet little Marie off, and succeeded in making herself overly horny, that’s why she jumped me. I find the whole thing rather funny, most other guys would be grossed out at the thought of screwing a chick who’d just fingered their sister.

And yet, after fucking so many girls, I still haven’t found love.

I don’t seem to be able to have a relationship with anyone. I can’t fall in love. All I have is sex, to the point of obsession. It’s like watching yourself go insane. From the outside.

Lonely days

I’m missing Dai a lot right now. He’s gone to visit his dad for a few weeks. I’m feeling really alone, everyone is busy. Not me. Danni is out of town too. Holly is working on something and hasn’t got time for anyone. So I spent the weekend alone. None of the chicks I usually hookup with are available. It was just me, my porn and a line of speed. I gotta find something better to do when I’m alone.

If Dai was here he’d tell me to stop being stupid and drag me off to do something fun. I dunno what I’d do without him.

After about months of seeing me in my brothers hand-me-down Dai asked if I ever bought my own clothes, “you know, ones that fit?” I’d never thought about it, I was so used to wearing Ben’s oversized cast offs. I asked Mother for some money to buy new clothes, she was a little surprised, but gave it to me, more than I’d expected. Dai took me shopping. I’ve never known anyone who can actually make shopping for clothes fun. Not like Dai. He dragged me through store after store, making me try stuff on and telling me what to buy. I’ve got no sense of style, I look good all thanks to Dai. Hes my fashion Guru.

Dai also helped me with my homework a lot. I never got any help at home. Mother worked all the time, Dad would just tell me to go look it up and Ben was busy with his own. After school I’d go to Dai’s house and he’d help me. We didn’t go to the same school. My parents wasted money by sending me to a posh school, and Dai’s folks couldn’t afford to send him to a better school. So at school I still had no friends, not until Dai started introducing me to the friends of his friends. Some went to my school. None of them were in my class, they were older or younger, but that didn’t matter, it meant there were people who went to my school who I could talk to. Danni is one of those people, she was the girlfriend of one of Dai’s friends. Actually Danni has been the girlfriend of a lot of guys, or just slept with them. Ok to tell the truth, I think she’s the town bike. And I ain’t going there! I had the opportunity years ago, I was still a virgin then, but I thought she had a boyfriend at the time (I don’t condone cheating) and turned her down. Now she’s too good a friend for me to ever consider bedding (that and I don’t know where she’s been).

Thanks to Dai, I actually had passing grades and had people to talk to at school.

Sometimes Dai came over to my house, I was always a bit embarrassed, at least to begin with. My family has money, and can be more than a bit snobby. Mother liked him immediately, probably because he was my only friend at the time and was the reason I was starting to dress better. Dad didn’t like him then and still doesn’t, probably because dad thought Dai was a girl. Its an easy mistake to make, he is rather pretty, and does wear girls clothes often, and a lot of makeup. Dad also thought Dai was short for Daisy.

When I was 16 we had a school dance. We were allowed to bring dates, I could have asked anyone of a number of girls, but Dai and I had a better plan. He would go as my date. He passes as a more than slightly pretty girl, although really flat-chested. He even bought a dress for the occasion, and got hair extensions. He looked like one of those overly pretty emo/scene girls. The boy is crazy.

There was a group of us who went to the dance together, they all knew who Dai really was, no one else did. I think that was the most fun I’ve ever had, that evening.

I can’t wait for Dai to get back, phones are a great way to keep in contact, but nothing beats a conversation in person.

Best Friends

David and I became friends really quickly. He was the first and only friend I had. We spent every weekend together, at his place. I don’t think my family had a problem with it, it meant I was out of the house and they didn’t care.

David and I watched tv, listened to music and played games on his computer (I didn’t have one). His mother is a nurse, she worked nights a lot, and slept during the day. We pretty much did as we pleased (and still do).

We smoked (he nicked them from his mother), sometimes we got drunk (I nicked my dads booze). It was one of those times when we decided to kiss. I was a few months off my 14^th birthday Neither of us had ever been kissed, we both wanted to know what it was like. So we gave it a go. It was hilarious. If anyone had walked in on us they would have died laughing. We were both really drunk, so drunk we couldn’t stand (I don’t remember what we were drinking). It was sloppy. Ikk. I don’t wanna think about how bad it was.

A few weeks later Dai decided we should try again, while sober. He put a hand either side of my face and kissed me, soft and warm. Much better. That became our new thing, kissing. I couldn’t wait to kiss a girl, he seemed happy to be kissing me. It was weird. But that’s when I began to suspect he wasn’t interested in girls. It didn't bother me.

childhood

I was never a normal kid, not like my perfect brother and sister. I’m the middle kid. My brother is two years older than me, my sister is two years younger. My brother, Ben, was an highschool sports star. It dosen’t matter what he does, hes good at it. He’s now studying to be a doctor. And I don’t give a damn. He gave me hell from when we were little, he always picked on me for being smaller, slower and weaker. He’d push me over and laugh, for no reason. Simply because he could. My sister Marie was born two years after me, she was what my mother wanted. Two years old, ignored by my dad who was playing catch with my four year old brother, ignored by my mother who was fussing with my new sister. As we got older it all got worse. Once I started school, I had my big brothers over-sized shoes to fill, in more ways than you’d imagine.

I always got his hand-me-down clothes, and they were always too big. Even now I’m a lot smaller than him. Everyone expected me to be just like him. He played sport, I fell over, dropped the ball, and nearly drowned in the pool. I read comics, didn’t say much, didn’t eat much and didn’t grow much. It’s like I was afraid to grow. I got picked on by bens friends for being his weedy little brother. And I hated it. No one wanted to be my friend. Dad was always at me “why cant you be more like Ben?”. But I don’t wanna be like him.

Then my sister Marie started school. Everyone liked her. She’s pretty, smart, popular. She could read and write before she even started school. Not me. No, I had to struggle trough, I never got help with homework or projects.

Life is shit when you feel unimportant and in the way.

Not long after my thirteenth birthday, I was walking home from school when I saw a bunch of my brothers friends picking on a kid. It was the kind of thing they did. Catch some kid out on their own and beat the crap out of them. For fun. They saw me.

“It’s your turn tomorrow, weedy boy!” one of them yelled at me.

Good luck finding me. I thought. I would go home the long way for the next month. I didn’t want to get beatenup agin.

The kid was still lying on the ground. I asked if he was ok, and helped him to his feet. He said he was fine and offered me a ciggie. I was kinda shocked, he looked a lot younger than me. He wasn’t though, once we started talking I found out he was older than me and had just moved to town. His name was David. We agreed to meet at the mall the next day. When we said goodbye he leaned in and kissed my cheek. Strange kid.