Its been nearly a year since I last posted anything here. And I think I really need to fill in the gaps. A whole year of gaps. In august of last year Dai left me. A couple of weeks later I started seeing Jamie. No, it wasn't because I'd moved on fast, it was because I didn't want to be alone. It lasted far longer than I expected. But in november I cheated on him. It wasn't intentional, but it happened for a reason. I was out with friends for my birthday. I was more than a little drunk, I sort of crashed into someone on the dance floor. I turned to apologise, and found myself facing the person I wanted more than anything. Yep, Dai. Our reaction to oneanother was pure reflex, we kissed.. and kissed, and kissed. Then went to the mens room and locked ourselves in a cubicle (not the first time we've done that at this particular place). We kissed more, and did more than kiss.. then I realized I did't have a condom, nor did he. So he said "lets go home". It was such a strange feeling. Home. As in the place he had left, the place where I was still living. He lead me by the hand, and on the way out I bumped into Dani (and spilled her drink). "Where are you going in such a hurry?" I had stopped, and this caused Dai to stop and turn around to see why I had stopped. I don't remember which of us said, "We're going home." She hugged us and said something like "I've missed you both." I guess she meant that she'd missed us as a couple. We caught a cab home, and had an interesting time trying to open the front door and kiss at the same time. And so, I cheated on Jamie. The next moring I felt so horribly guilty. I called Jamie and told him that I needed to see him right away. Dai went with me, and waited outside, around the corner. I told Jamie that I'd cheated, and felt that I should stop seeing him, since I really do not like even the idea of cheating. I could tell I'd hurt him. And knowing that made me break down and told him the full story. Sure, I wasn't in love with him, but I did feel something. I guess through out the whole time I was there I may have glanced at the door a few times, because he said, "Hes outside, isn't he?" And he went to the door and opened it and said "Come in David." It was surreal. Jamie made us coffee, he wasn't angry, he actually seemed releaved that it had been Dai. And then, somehow, we all ended up in bed together. I don't know how it happened. And its happened a few more times since then. But I am back with Dai. And there is more. Earlier this year I begun to think about how much he means to me. We're closer than ever, our relationship is stronger. He completes me. Oh, the stupid sentimental emotional crap. I hate it, and yet it takes over. I think its turned my brain to mush. Two months ago I did one thing that I never thought I would do. I had bought the ring in February. Yes. An engagement ring (a manly one, not a girly one). And in may I proposed. Well, sort of. On here I can vomit out endless words, but when it came to the question I wanted to ask more than anything, I was totally speechless. We had gone camping as we usually do that time of year. And went for a walk in the forest, at night. And we were walking along, and I said, "theres something I wanted to ask." And I stopped. I stood there like an idiot, looking at the box in my hand. He'd taken a few more steps before realising that I'd stopped, and turned back to see why I'd stopped. I looked from the box to him. I still couldn't think of anything to say. But he did. "Oh. My. God." Like that. With little pauses. And then I found word(s), "Willyoumarryme?" I swear I turned it into one word. We shared a very long kiss before I got my reply. "Whenever you're ready" A strange acceptance, perhaps. But one that makes sense to us. Oh, sure, other sutff has happended over the last few months. But this is what anyone who has ever read this shit blog wants to read about. You want to know what this boy is feeling, you want to know that hes still breathing. So there it is. I found what I had lost. But to do it I had to do three things that I never thought I would ever do.

The tangled web

And yet I didn't get back to posting.
Why? Because my life fell apart.
Dai left me. He gave no reason. He didn't even take all his stuff.
I know that hes somewhat ok because he talks to Marie and Dani, and I've called Betty several times, just so I know he is ok.

I've ended up in another relationship almost straight away. I called a doctor who had given me his number a while back, for if I ever needed someone to talk to. He took me out for dinner, and I talked, and talked, and talked, until closing time. We went back to his place, because it was just around the corner, and I ended up sleeping with him, in every sense of the word. Not something I had intended, or even considered. But it happened, and maybe it was what I needed. And I thought that would be it, but no. It seems my charming self made him want more. And now I have a boyfriend who is in his early 30's who I think I am just using for sex. I like him, and its nice to feel wanted, but I'm not in love with him.

But I can't stop thinking about Dai, he still has my heart.

8 months and I'm such a slacker

So, what can I post to make myself not look so bad?
Perhaps a poem?


Slummin it, back to back
I'm here for you
But you know that.

You're there to lift me up
Rise me up
Out of the dust.

And even if you fall
I'll go back
No matter the cost.

Blood and sweat in the dirt.
I'm here for you
And you're there for me.

I haven't really done much writing of late, just a few poems. But my head is brimming with ideas, so, perhaps its time for me to start writing again.

I might manage a chapeter a week, with a little effort.

The resolution

I will post agian in 2011

You got your pacifism - I got survivalism

Some people accuse me of being a pessimist, but I dont think i am.
I see the world for what it is, nature is both beautiful and chaotic. nature is wild. Humans have taken that beauty, and raped it, and tamed it and chained it, tortured it and twisted it into a mockery of what it one was. People say "look at all the great things humans have done!" Yes, great, but at what expense?
Why do we do the things we do, why do we live this way? We're lazy and we're greedy, thats why. Everyone wants the biggest and the best. but why?
People think that i hate life and hate the world. I don't. I hate humanity, I hate the world we've created, but I love the wild chaotic beauty that is nature, I love her in all her moods. people think that deserts are dead, they're not, they're full of life, its just well hidden. i love the carnage of a zebra being torn apart by lions, creatures so bizarre that you'd think they're from a science fiction novel, weather that destroys everything in its path, but in such a short space of time life returns. I love the ever-changing face of this planet, constantly shifting coastlines, volcanoes that erupt and make new islands. Nature is bloody and violent, she gives life and takes it, nothing is wasted, life and death is an endless cycle.
I'm not quite the heartless bastard some people think i am. Love is rare and precious. Too many people throw the word around, without really caring about what they say, what they really mean. my love is reserved for those few who deserve it. I care about more than most people realise.

I like to argue

It happens far to often, people take offense to my opinions.
On a forum, I got accused of having no respect for girls due to my attitude toward sex, and females in general.
this was my response:

i thought it was necessary to point out the opposites.
in my experience, a lot of chicks have just wanted me for sex.
and yes, there have been times when i've dumped chicks cos they wouldnt put out.
but what so many people arent getting, is how seriously fucked up i used to be. every single response, was what would have been my response about 2 years ago
From when i was 15 till about a year ago, i couldnt love, and when you cant love, you go for the next best thing, sex. just so you can feel something, so you can be with another human, so you dont feel alone
so call me a major dick, call me a jerk, call me whatever thing you want to
just know, sometimes theres a reason why people are like that, sometimes its not their fault, sometimes its desperation.
human contact is something we all need, but some of us are denied.
do you know what it is like to have your own parents ignore you?
to be continually left to play on your own, to have no friends? from age 2.
to have all the necessity, bar one: affection
i can count the times my mother has hugged me since infancy, and almost all of that has been in the last 12 months.

theres been a lot of girls that i tried to feel love for, but you cant make yourself love, it just leaves you feeling more empty and more hollow
so hate me, if it makes you feel better.
i'm not like that anymore.. not quite
i see women in two different ways now, as friends, or as sexual objects.
you see, i found what i needed elsewhere, i've got someone who i can treat like a princess.
i found love, in the most unexpected place, i fell for my best friend, a guy

so go ahead and hate me, if it makes you feel better

Its funny how peoples attitudes suddenly change when you point out their blindness.
they apologised
I accepted their appologies and let them know a little more about me
dont be too quick to judge people. we are the way we are for a reason
if my posts were scarcely legible, and my intent malicious, you'd have more reason to think what you did. But i try to make my posts readable. I'm not a malicious person. And i find that the world needs people like me. people who arent afraid to see the other side of things, people who have a vision of the world that is unclouded by what we wish it to be

What the hell would you do?

Dai and Danni are feuding, over me.
I really don’t know what to do. A couple of weeks ago Danni started flirting with me a lot more than she ever used to, and hitting on me. Its been making one hell of an awkward situation. I talked to Dai about it a couple of days ago, and he said that he’d noticed the change in her too, but didn’t want to say anything to her, cos shes a good friend… “how do you tell a friend to stop hitting on your boyfriend?”
So we thought, maybe, if we just ignored her she’d give up and stop. I wish.
Saturday night, we went out, everything seemed normal. But the more Danni drank, the more annoying she got. She started out just hugging me, not all that unusual, then she rubbing up against me, and trying to kiss me. Dai was watching her the whole time, and I could tell it was getting to him, if I didn’t do something he would. I got sick of dodging her kisses, and pushed her away, she pouted at me and tried again. I shoved her harder and said something like “Stop it, you’re making yourself look like an idiot”
She tried again, this time pushing me back into other people. I shoved her away again, “Danni, stop it. I DON’T WANT YOU.”
I didn’t give her another chance, I went straight to where Dai was. He grabbed me and kissed me, I was shaking, mostly from anger at Danni, but in part at myself for having to hurt her.
She was in tears, sitting on the floor. I hate myself for doing that to her. One of her other friends took her away. I haven’t seen her since.