Help me I’m in Hell

I find myself in a place I don’t wan to be. I'm so fukin high and since I don’t wanna deal with the comedown, I’ve popped another pill… well I know how stupid that is. But I’ve done it. Yeah. I m in a place I don’t want to be. I’ve messed up online friendships with my own stupidity, and on top of that, I read Dai’s comment. We’ve talked, some. In that revelation I’ve found relief in knowing the truth but at the same time more pain. My head is so fucked right now. I can’t think straight. I’m beginning to hate what I’ve become. Am I really heartless? I feel like I’m too fucked up to care. But that’s not the truth. Cos I’m starting to care, and that’s making things worse. I guess you could say I’m suffering from a dose of reality. I don’t want it. Reality sucks. I love Dai so much it fucking hurts. And now knowing what that fucking bastard did to him. Next time I see john, I’m gonna have a hard time not breaking his fuckin face. Bastard. I want to kill him for what he’s done to Dai

That was four/five days ago. I’m still on that emotional rollercoaster. Dai isn’t sleeping well, I’m not sleeping well. But at least we’re talking more again. The flat is a mess, Nurse Betty is staying with a ‘friend’ so she doesn’t know what’s going on here. Dai doesn’t want her to know either. I can’t even write properly. Most of it comes out as complete gibberish.