My weekend

I stared drining at about midday sarturday. it got me into a happy place. Then I went to a party. It wa cool . at matts place, matts a friend of andy, whos a friend of danni. I got drunk-er. Snogged andy, for a dare, that was fun. And im still drunk her on Sunday.

Somewhat Damaged

so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew too high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything

lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete

made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead

broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

in the back
off the side
far away
is a place
where i hide
where i stay

tried to say
tried to ask
i needed to
all alone
by myself
where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change
is different now

just like you
would always say
we'll make it through
then my head
fell apart
and where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now

like you said
you and me
make it through
didn't quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

Love this song. Suits how I feel most of the time, somewhat damaged, that’s me. And betrayed. I can think of only three people that I trust. Dai, Holly and Danni. Dai is everything I want to be (except being gay, maybe). He’s the best looking guy I know, he’s smart, and funny. I can talk to him about anything.

Holly’s great too. She’s older than me by a few years, but that doesn’t matter. She’s the only family member I would choose to have as family.

Danni is insane. I know waaaaaaay too much about her sex life. I can’t help but like her, probably because we’re so much alike. But I only ever think of her as a friend. Never going there!

I just wanna be in love with someone!!!

The kitten that killed.

My sister Marie got a kitten for her11th birthday. She named it fluffy, I call him furball. One day Marie ran screaming through the house, ‘Fluffy’ had left her a nice little pressie, a dead mouse. It took ages for ‘Fluffy’ to be trained to deposit the dead bodies in a place that was easy to clean (the bath). Marie kept finding dead birds and mice in her room. Yes, kittens can kill.

Closer to what?

Closer vs Closer to God

Two versions of the same song, or so it would seem. Basically both songs are about sex, but closer contains a cry for help, whereas closer to god feels more like rape.

Closer

you let me violate you First time?
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you Obvious
you let me complicate you

help me Cry for help
I broke apart my insides Going to pieces
help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me Sex as escape
help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything All I have is yours
Love?
help me
you tear down my reason
help me
it's your sex I can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

all through every forest
above the trees
within my stomach
scraped off my knees
I drink the honey
inside your hive
you are the reason As stated
I stay alive

Closer to God

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

I broke apart my insides
I’ve got no soul to sell
the thing that works for me
help me get away

I wanna fuck you
I wanna taste you
I wanna feel you
I wanna be you become someone else
just like an animal through sex?

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything

you tear down all my reason
you see through all I hide
you make me perfect
help me get inside

Why do both versions feel so right to me? I know I use sex as an escape when I crave love. I really wanna love someone. I wanna be in love. I want more than just sex.

I’ve been listening to Closer to God on repeat for the last half hour. It keeps reminding me of what I’m missing. The only thing that works for me, while I wait for love, fucking. I feel so fucking empty. I’m loosing it. I gotta find love, or just get laid again.

Every day is exactly the same.

Ever feel like you’re on an endless cycle of deja vu??

I hate Mondays, they’re so boooooooring.

I didn’t do it, honest.

I turned a girl down this weekend. I’d gone home with her, and was in her bed. But I changed my mind. I didn’t want to have sex. I dunno why. It’s really weird for me. I just don’t feel right in my own skin. It’s like a feeling of anticipation, like somethings gonna happen. Something I dread. I’m getting really jumpy too. I don’t like this at all. And my shrink is no help.

Women are whores

I’ve dated a lot of girls, and I’ve figured something out; they’re all whores. I guess it makes sense since it’s the oldest profession. I ask a girl out, we go out for coffee, I have to pay, take her to see a movie, I pay, dinner, again my wallet comes out. They just expect it. One chick got upset cos I suggested we watch movies at home, “don’t you want to be seen in public with me?” I said it wasn’t that, I had no money that’s all. She dumped me, what a bitch. I hate women like that, they just want a boyfriend as a status symbol and so they don’t have to pay. The more you ‘romance’ them, the more willing they are to perform sexual favours. It’s kinda like. Dinner and movie = you get to feel her up. Flowers, dinner, go clubbing = you get head. Three good dates = sex. See? Women are whores.

I remember ready about a study that was done somewhere with chimps (I think), where they taught them about trade. For doing tasks they were given tokens, which they could use to exchange for things, food, toys etc. The female chimps found a way to get extra tokens. Yep, even female chimps will be whores to get the stuff they want.

I see it all the time at work, a chick will flirt with a guy to get him to buy her a drink. A few drinks later and they’re kissing in a corner.

What’s wrong with fair trade? Why is it always at the guy’s expense?