Cruelty intolerable

Cruelty. Pain . Cruelty intolerable, pain of the heart. Punishment for the undeserving. Hate returns again and again and again. The pain I feel is not my own. Why do I feel this way?
Its Dai again, its not his fault, he’s never at fault. To me he’s as close to perfection as a person can be, and I don’t believe in perfection. Nothing is perfect. No one can be. But Dai is close to that mythical thing. I want to keep him safe. I hate that I can’t do anything to stop his pain.
Dai is being tortured by John. And it hurts me to see him being hurt. Again John won’t leave him alone, he lingers at Dai’s work, lingers like a bad smell. I’ve never liked john, and he’s never liked me. And now it’s beyond dislike, its pure hate. I’ve never hated anyone like this. Never. Not even my dad, or Ben. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone so badly. I’m not normally an angry person, sure I get angsty like everyone else, but I’ve never felt this angry. I don’t know how to deal with it. When Dai comes home from work, I can tell if John hassled him, I can tell that he’s upset, I can tell that he doesn’t know what to do.

I want to think of happier things. But I can’t. Dai told me about how he’s been in love with me for so long. He told me that every time I had a girlfriend, he’d cry himself to sleep. It makes me feel awful. I wish he’d said something sooner. I don’t know how I would have reacted if he’d said that he loved me a year ago, or two years ago. We probably would have gotten together. Maybe. I don’t know if we’d still be together now.

I wrote this weeks ago.. I just forgot to post it.

Sound In A Vacuum

Light ripples, sound in a vacuum.

There’s a fork in the road its time to decide,

continue down this path I’m on.

It’s served me well thus far.

Or go the other way,

wake up, and care about something other than myself.

Forget myself, adrift, alone,

forget all I have known,

adrift, at peace, light ripples,

a scream, first the rage, the vacuum

Past is pain, a new beginning in anger

Let it come, this new rage from within

A new way of seeing,

I am centred not central.

It is time, time to wake up

Time to care

Forget myself

I like what I’m becoming

Love and fear.

That’s where I’m at now. I love Dai, but I’m afraid of hurting him. After what he’s been through, after what….. I don’t even want to think about how he was treated. I’ve never wanted anyone like this, and yet been so afraid to take what I want. Love makes you see things differently. I care about him, I worry about him. He takes sleeping pills and that scares me, but I don’t want to say anything

How things can change in 24 hours. I never thought I’d feel like this. Sex without love is so empty in comparison. I want to write more. But I can’t.

Right Where It Belongs

Sometimes I wander if it’s worth it?

Take a look at the world, it’s fucked, nothing is going to fix it any time soon. We’ve raped this planet. Humanity can’t exist without its greed, its corruption, its inability to care about anything but its self. Humans are selfish. When someone dies, we cry, not because the person is dead, but because the person is gone from our lives. Humanity is weak. What other animals are so weak? Most animals can run within hours after their birth, it takes months for a human to walk!

From the moment we are born we begin to die.

Live once, and make it count.

Life isn’t fair, life is pain.

Home

Sometimes I feel that life is burning me out, leaving me a hollow shell. I know life isn’t meant to be like this. I don’t know what the fuck is going on inside my head and its driving me crazy. I think it’s because my life has no direction.

Anyway… back to other stuff. It seems that nurse Betty has decided to move in with her boyfriend, leaving the flat to Dai and me. Convenient, now I don’t have to look for another place. And my mother is giving me an ‘allowance’, so that takes the pressure off job hunting.

Dai is still not quite himself, he’s not as talkative, and spends a lot of time reading or sleeping, when he’s not at work. The whole flat is becoming a mess, but then, what do you expect when it’s inhabited by two guys? We’ve run out of clean coffee cups, spoons, knives, plates……. Pretty much everything. Dirty clothes end up on the floor, clean ones never get put away. The bathroom is beginning to ‘grow’.

I need to write more.

Help me I’m in Hell

I find myself in a place I don’t wan to be. I'm so fukin high and since I don’t wanna deal with the comedown, I’ve popped another pill… well I know how stupid that is. But I’ve done it. Yeah. I m in a place I don’t want to be. I’ve messed up online friendships with my own stupidity, and on top of that, I read Dai’s comment. We’ve talked, some. In that revelation I’ve found relief in knowing the truth but at the same time more pain. My head is so fucked right now. I can’t think straight. I’m beginning to hate what I’ve become. Am I really heartless? I feel like I’m too fucked up to care. But that’s not the truth. Cos I’m starting to care, and that’s making things worse. I guess you could say I’m suffering from a dose of reality. I don’t want it. Reality sucks. I love Dai so much it fucking hurts. And now knowing what that fucking bastard did to him. Next time I see john, I’m gonna have a hard time not breaking his fuckin face. Bastard. I want to kill him for what he’s done to Dai

That was four/five days ago. I’m still on that emotional rollercoaster. Dai isn’t sleeping well, I’m not sleeping well. But at least we’re talking more again. The flat is a mess, Nurse Betty is staying with a ‘friend’ so she doesn’t know what’s going on here. Dai doesn’t want her to know either. I can’t even write properly. Most of it comes out as complete gibberish.

Hurt

I know I haven’t written anything here recently.. I’ve been sick with tonsillitis. Stupid really. Anyway. I have a problem with Dai. He’s holding something back, but won’t tell me what it is. There’s never been any secrets between us, we tell each other everything, or, at least I thought we did.

He’s hurt, but not by me. He says its past, but if its past then why is he still hurting? I don’t ever want to see him hurt. I want to know what the hell happened, I want to help him if I can. He won’t talk about it. Every time I try to get him to talk all he’ll say is that he wishes he’d waited for me and then either gets really moody or turns away and ends up crying. I don’t know what he means by that. Should have waited for me.