Sound In A Vacuum

Light ripples, sound in a vacuum.

There’s a fork in the road its time to decide,

continue down this path I’m on.

It’s served me well thus far.

Or go the other way,

wake up, and care about something other than myself.

Forget myself, adrift, alone,

forget all I have known,

adrift, at peace, light ripples,

a scream, first the rage, the vacuum

Past is pain, a new beginning in anger

Let it come, this new rage from within

A new way of seeing,

I am centred not central.

It is time, time to wake up

Time to care

Forget myself

I like what I’m becoming

Love and fear.

That’s where I’m at now. I love Dai, but I’m afraid of hurting him. After what he’s been through, after what….. I don’t even want to think about how he was treated. I’ve never wanted anyone like this, and yet been so afraid to take what I want. Love makes you see things differently. I care about him, I worry about him. He takes sleeping pills and that scares me, but I don’t want to say anything

How things can change in 24 hours. I never thought I’d feel like this. Sex without love is so empty in comparison. I want to write more. But I can’t.

Right Where It Belongs

Sometimes I wander if it’s worth it?

Take a look at the world, it’s fucked, nothing is going to fix it any time soon. We’ve raped this planet. Humanity can’t exist without its greed, its corruption, its inability to care about anything but its self. Humans are selfish. When someone dies, we cry, not because the person is dead, but because the person is gone from our lives. Humanity is weak. What other animals are so weak? Most animals can run within hours after their birth, it takes months for a human to walk!

From the moment we are born we begin to die.

Live once, and make it count.

Life isn’t fair, life is pain.

Home

Sometimes I feel that life is burning me out, leaving me a hollow shell. I know life isn’t meant to be like this. I don’t know what the fuck is going on inside my head and its driving me crazy. I think it’s because my life has no direction.

Anyway… back to other stuff. It seems that nurse Betty has decided to move in with her boyfriend, leaving the flat to Dai and me. Convenient, now I don’t have to look for another place. And my mother is giving me an ‘allowance’, so that takes the pressure off job hunting.

Dai is still not quite himself, he’s not as talkative, and spends a lot of time reading or sleeping, when he’s not at work. The whole flat is becoming a mess, but then, what do you expect when it’s inhabited by two guys? We’ve run out of clean coffee cups, spoons, knives, plates……. Pretty much everything. Dirty clothes end up on the floor, clean ones never get put away. The bathroom is beginning to ‘grow’.

I need to write more.

Help me I’m in Hell

I find myself in a place I don’t wan to be. I'm so fukin high and since I don’t wanna deal with the comedown, I’ve popped another pill… well I know how stupid that is. But I’ve done it. Yeah. I m in a place I don’t want to be. I’ve messed up online friendships with my own stupidity, and on top of that, I read Dai’s comment. We’ve talked, some. In that revelation I’ve found relief in knowing the truth but at the same time more pain. My head is so fucked right now. I can’t think straight. I’m beginning to hate what I’ve become. Am I really heartless? I feel like I’m too fucked up to care. But that’s not the truth. Cos I’m starting to care, and that’s making things worse. I guess you could say I’m suffering from a dose of reality. I don’t want it. Reality sucks. I love Dai so much it fucking hurts. And now knowing what that fucking bastard did to him. Next time I see john, I’m gonna have a hard time not breaking his fuckin face. Bastard. I want to kill him for what he’s done to Dai

That was four/five days ago. I’m still on that emotional rollercoaster. Dai isn’t sleeping well, I’m not sleeping well. But at least we’re talking more again. The flat is a mess, Nurse Betty is staying with a ‘friend’ so she doesn’t know what’s going on here. Dai doesn’t want her to know either. I can’t even write properly. Most of it comes out as complete gibberish.

Hurt

I know I haven’t written anything here recently.. I’ve been sick with tonsillitis. Stupid really. Anyway. I have a problem with Dai. He’s holding something back, but won’t tell me what it is. There’s never been any secrets between us, we tell each other everything, or, at least I thought we did.

He’s hurt, but not by me. He says its past, but if its past then why is he still hurting? I don’t ever want to see him hurt. I want to know what the hell happened, I want to help him if I can. He won’t talk about it. Every time I try to get him to talk all he’ll say is that he wishes he’d waited for me and then either gets really moody or turns away and ends up crying. I don’t know what he means by that. Should have waited for me.

A better place

I think I’m actually happy now… I’m not really used to feeling happy. Its really odd. Dai is really worried that I’ll do something stupid again. Not gonna happen. Not while I’m in such a happy place. I feel really bad about being so stupid. I gotta say, falling for your best friend is totally awesome, so long as they fall for you.

Danni and Holly’s responses to me and Dai getting together were much the same. “About bloody time.” And, “It took you long enough.” So everyone knew, except me? Am I really that blind? Five years we’ve been friends. Best friends. He’s waited five years for me to notice him. I’m blind.

I met mother for a coffee yesterday. Dad won’t allow me back into the house. Mother suggested we meet, I suggested the café where Dai works. She’s not bothered about me being with Dai, I thought she would be. If anything, she seemed relieved. She said it was good to see me smiling, and if I really need money, she’d help me out. When she said goodbye she hugged me. I think that’s the first hug I’ve gotten from her since I was a baby. I guess she still cares about her strange child.

If I’m going to get my own place, I’m going to need to get another job. I can’t even afford a room in a share house with my current wage. Dai doesn’t want to be away from me again, so we’ll be getting a place together. But to do that I need more money. Its hard to get a job when you’ve got limited qualifications. I could get work in a restaurant or something. The kind of place that’s open during the day and serves drinks….. But for one thing. My appearance. I don’t quite look right. Not for a place like that. But I don’t want to change too much. Ok, my hair is black again. It’s more ‘normal’ for looking for work.

I hate hunting for work. I’m having no luck. I also don’t really like being a ‘guest’, I want my own place. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. And then there’s Dai. I don’t know how he does it. Around him I’m calm, peaceful, in control of most of my thoughts…. He makes me feel wanted.

He’s the only stable thing I’ve got. I don’t have anything else.