I’m home in bed. Dai’s bed.
What the hell did I do??
The most stupid thing I could think of. I’d been drinking before I rang Dai, I needed the courage you find in alcohol, to be able to tell him how I felt. Hearing his words broke me, pushed me over the edge. I took every pill I could find in my room, and followed them with every bit of alcohol I had. Suicide? Yeah. Maybe. But not really. I didn’t take enough of anything to do the job, just enough to knock myself out.
I was sitting on the floor having what I thought was a final cigarette, surrounded by empty bottles, when Dai turned up. He threw himself on me, and begged me to forgive him, that I’d got it all wrong. All I could think was how hot he looked.
I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in hospital, alone.
I could have succeeded in making the stupidest mistake of my fucked up life. Luckily I’m to stupid the even get killing myself right.
I hate hospitals, they scare me. So waking up in one was one of the most terrifying things that’s ever happened to me. I couldn’t think of why I’d be in hospital. Suddenly I was swarmed by doctors and nurses. Maybe there was only one of each? You know how it is when you’re not really coherent; your brains still half asleep, nothing seems to make sense. When thy finally left me alone, I realised that I wasn’t really alone. Dai was there. He looked like he hadn’t slept or washed in a week, and so pale, I’ve never seen him like it. “I must have died, to be in heaven with an angel.” The most pathetic joke I’ve ever made. He looked like he couldn’t decide weather to laugh, cry or hit me. He tried to smile, and failed, he was trying not to cry. “Why did you do it?”
“Seemed like a good idea at the time?” not the smartest thing to say, he looked kinda pissed. “You said you didn’t want me, that here was someone else.” Now I was gonna start crying, I hate crying. “Shit. I thought that was what happened. I’m a fucking idiot.” He sat in the chair by the bed. “I stuffed up.” Dai stuffed up?? I didn’t think it was possible. “My phones being giving me the shits for weeks. The other call was john, I knew before I answered, and said what I said, but the stupid phone didn’t work, it put him on hold instead of you, so….” So? That was it? “There’s someone else?” I asked. I didn’t want to know. He suddenly turned red, “yeah, there’s always been someone else. I’ve liked the same person for a long time, only he didn’t want me.” I couldn’t breathe. I had to be dreaming. He turned away. We sat in silence for several minutes. The silence was broken by my mother. She was upset and slightly angry with me. Not surprising. Mother has always been distant, and a little cold in a way. Never any affection, but at the same time she’s always loved her strange child in a way. She’s stood up to dad for me a few times, in subtle ways. She’s given me money when I’m broke. She’s never commented on anything I’ve done, never encouraged me either. She told me that everyone had been worried about me. A lie. She thanked Dai for staying with me, and left. We sat in silence again. “You meant me?” I eventually asked. There was a ghost of a smile. That was all I needed. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again the room was dark, the light from the corridor was enough for me to see Dai still in the chair. This time with a blanket wrapped around him and his head on the bed. He looked so uncomfortable. I reached out and stroked his hair. He partially woke, looked at me sleepily, smiled, then went back to sleep. So did I.
The next morning, Dai’s mother brought him clean clothes and told him to get cleaned up because “you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and smell like you’ve been thrown in a manure heap,” her words. “Good one Nurse Betty.” She frowned at me. Once Dai had left she spoke to me. “I can’t believe you’d make jokes after the hell you’ve put my son through.”
Shame, embarrassment. Two things I’m not used to feeling. I really feel bad about what I’ve put everyone through. Especially Dai.
Dai drove me home. No one was there. That’s how much they love me. I nearly die, and they act like it never happened. “What do we do now?” I asked Dai. “Coffee and cigarettes?” I slumped in a chair and let him get the coffee. Furball leapt onto my lap, he seems to know when a person needs comfort. At least one person (a cat) was happy to see me home. He kneaded, without claws for once, curled up and started purring. I lit up, mother would have killed me if she caught me smoking anywhere in the house other than my room. She also would have killed me for using a saucer as an ashtray.
It was the first time I’d ever felt awkward around Dai.
We sat there on opposite sides of the table, not speaking, not looking at each other. Once the coffee cups were empty, he sighed heavily, and then spoke. “Where do we go from here?” “My room, we’re less likely to be interrupted.” I suggested. I’m not really sure what I meant by that. We sat at opposite ends of the bed as usual. “We’ve got to stop avoiding this,” he said. I couldn’t agree more, but was still uncertain of what to say.
“I’ve loved you since the day I met you.” Ok that was unexpected. I didn’t know what to say at that. “I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused?” What do I do when I’m stressed?? Smoke. He nicked it off me before I was half done. “Stop wasting time and talk!” I was about to light another when he snatched the lighter out of my hand, the cigarette from my mouth and kissed me. “You tried to kill yourself because you thought I didn’t want you, and now you don’t know what you want?” I knew what I wanted, I was just afraid to admit it. I pushed him back onto the bed and kissed him. It turned into a rather interesting afternoon. But the fun didn’t last long.
Only the grinch could ruin things so thoroughly. Yep you guessed it, dad walked in. You’d think I would have learned to lock my door. Anyway, Dai and I were half naked. He was on top of me with his hand down my pants. Dad walked in, froze, looked like he was gonna walk out again, but changed his mind. “What the fuck is going on??” Since his small mind couldn’t figure it out, I thought I’d help him out. I rolled Dai off me so I could reach the nightstand. I opened the drawer and took out a condom and lube. “Well dad, if you really must know, I thought I might fuck my boyfriend.” Dai got the giggles. Dad exploded.
“Thats enough of your bullshit, You’re outa here. You’ve got one hour. Pack your shit up and get out of my house.” Ok, he said more than that, he ranted for a while, I wasn’t listening.
So, that was that. I’ve finally been kicked out. It didn’t take us long to pack. Material possessions don’t mean that much to me, so I don’t have many. Clothes, books and cds. Not much else. I’ve been kicked out at last and I told dad I’m gay. Easier than I thought. Mother didn’t take it so well when I called her and said that dad had kicked me out for being gay. Elizabeth took it bad as well. She was disgusted that my dad kicked me out. She is ok with having me move in short-term, but said I’d have to get my own place soon.
So here I am, in Dai’s bed, in my new (temporary) home. And if you really must know, no, I haven’t fucked him yet. There’s no rush. I’m starting to understand what it means to love someone, and there’s no reason to hurry.
