KittensKill

The tangled web

2011-10-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

And yet I didn't get back to posting.
Why? Because my life fell apart.
Dai left me. He gave no reason. He didn't even take all his stuff.
I know that hes somewhat ok because he talks to Marie and Dani, and I've called Betty several times, just so I know he is ok.

I've ended up in another relationship almost straight away. I called a doctor who had given me his number a while back, for if I ever needed someone to talk to. He took me out for dinner, and I talked, and talked, and talked, until closing time. We went back to his place, because it was just around the corner, and I ended up sleeping with him, in every sense of the word. Not something I had intended, or even considered. But it happened, and maybe it was what I needed. And I thought that would be it, but no. It seems my charming self made him want more. And now I have a boyfriend who is in his early 30's who I think I am just using for sex. I like him, and its nice to feel wanted, but I'm not in love with him.

But I can't stop thinking about Dai, he still has my heart.

8 months and I'm such a slacker

2011-08-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

So, what can I post to make myself not look so bad?
Perhaps a poem?

Slummin it, back to back
I'm here for you
But you know that.

You're there to lift me up
Rise me up
Out of the dust.

And even if you fall
I'll go back
No matter the cost.

Blood and sweat in the dirt.
I'm here for you
And you're there for me.

I haven't really done much writing of late, just a few poems. But my head is brimming with ideas, so, perhaps its time for me to start writing again.

I might manage a chapeter a week, with a little effort.

The resolution

2010-12-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

I will post agian in 2011

You got your pacifism - I got survivalism

2009-07-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Some people accuse me of being a pessimist, but I dont think i am.
I see the world for what it is, nature is both beautiful and chaotic. nature is wild. Humans have taken that beauty, and raped it, and tamed it and chained it, tortured it and twisted it into a mockery of what it one was. People say "look at all the great things humans have done!" Yes, great, but at what expense?
Why do we do the things we do, why do we live this way? We're lazy and we're greedy, thats why. Everyone wants the biggest and the best. but why?
People think that i hate life and hate the world. I don't. I hate humanity, I hate the world we've created, but I love the wild chaotic beauty that is nature, I love her in all her moods. people think that deserts are dead, they're not, they're full of life, its just well hidden. i love the carnage of a zebra being torn apart by lions, creatures so bizarre that you'd think they're from a science fiction novel, weather that destroys everything in its path, but in such a short space of time life returns. I love the ever-changing face of this planet, constantly shifting coastlines, volcanoes that erupt and make new islands. Nature is bloody and violent, she gives life and takes it, nothing is wasted, life and death is an endless cycle.
I'm not quite the heartless bastard some people think i am. Love is rare and precious. Too many people throw the word around, without really caring about what they say, what they really mean. my love is reserved for those few who deserve it. I care about more than most people realise.

I like to argue

2009-07-10T02:45:00.000-07:00

It happens far to often, people take offense to my opinions.
On a forum, I got accused of having no respect for girls due to my attitude toward sex, and females in general.
this was my response:

i thought it was necessary to point out the opposites.
in my experience, a lot of chicks have just wanted me for sex.
and yes, there have been times when i've dumped chicks cos they wouldnt put out.
but what so many people arent getting, is how seriously fucked up i used to be. every single response, was what would have been my response about 2 years ago
From when i was 15 till about a year ago, i couldnt love, and when you cant love, you go for the next best thing, sex. just so you can feel something, so you can be with another human, so you dont feel alone
so call me a major dick, call me a jerk, call me whatever thing you want to
just know, sometimes theres a reason why people are like that, sometimes its not their fault, sometimes its desperation.
human contact is something we all need, but some of us are denied.
do you know what it is like to have your own parents ignore you?
to be continually left to play on your own, to have no friends? from age 2.
to have all the necessity, bar one: affection
i can count the times my mother has hugged me since infancy, and almost all of that has been in the last 12 months.

theres been a lot of girls that i tried to feel love for, but you cant make yourself love, it just leaves you feeling more empty and more hollow
so hate me, if it makes you feel better.
i'm not like that anymore.. not quite
i see women in two different ways now, as friends, or as sexual objects.
you see, i found what i needed elsewhere, i've got someone who i can treat like a princess.
i found love, in the most unexpected place, i fell for my best friend, a guy

so go ahead and hate me, if it makes you feel better

Its funny how peoples attitudes suddenly change when you point out their blindness.
they apologised
I accepted their appologies and let them know a little more about me
dont be too quick to judge people. we are the way we are for a reason
if my posts were scarcely legible, and my intent malicious, you'd have more reason to think what you did. But i try to make my posts readable. I'm not a malicious person. And i find that the world needs people like me. people who arent afraid to see the other side of things, people who have a vision of the world that is unclouded by what we wish it to be

What the hell would you do?

2009-04-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

Dai and Danni are feuding, over me.
I really don’t know what to do. A couple of weeks ago Danni started flirting with me a lot more than she ever used to, and hitting on me. Its been making one hell of an awkward situation. I talked to Dai about it a couple of days ago, and he said that he’d noticed the change in her too, but didn’t want to say anything to her, cos shes a good friend… “how do you tell a friend to stop hitting on your boyfriend?”
So we thought, maybe, if we just ignored her she’d give up and stop. I wish.
Saturday night, we went out, everything seemed normal. But the more Danni drank, the more annoying she got. She started out just hugging me, not all that unusual, then she rubbing up against me, and trying to kiss me. Dai was watching her the whole time, and I could tell it was getting to him, if I didn’t do something he would. I got sick of dodging her kisses, and pushed her away, she pouted at me and tried again. I shoved her harder and said something like “Stop it, you’re making yourself look like an idiot”
She tried again, this time pushing me back into other people. I shoved her away again, “Danni, stop it. I DON’T WANT YOU.”
I didn’t give her another chance, I went straight to where Dai was. He grabbed me and kissed me, I was shaking, mostly from anger at Danni, but in part at myself for having to hurt her.
She was in tears, sitting on the floor. I hate myself for doing that to her. One of her other friends took her away. I haven’t seen her since.

2009-04-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Months have passed, and so much has happened
We ended up having to move again. The place where we were living was gonna be demolished. Danni came back, heart broken. The guy who she’d been with left her for someone else, he’d pretty much asked her to marry him. And people wonder why I don’t believe in marriage.
So now I live in a house, shared with Dai, Danni and another friend. Its good. Not so lonely. I’ve missed Danni, and Dai and I are as close as ever. Mmmm so very close. For the first ten or so days in the new place, we couldn’t keep off each other, we were both so fucking horny it was scary. It led to a lot of really good sex, and out other house mates telling us to keep the noise down. (Slightly embarrassing)

I'll update again soon.

Heres a poem to tide you over until then.

A life in words

Words, falling from the page
A new beginning, no end in sight
Ink stain bleeds through the fibre
Bluring the letters, losing the words

Ink black as night absorbs all light from the room
Paper pale but yellowed with age
Smudges of ink from stained fingers
Smudges of dust collected in age

Parchment torn to shreds in piles on the floor
A life of unimportant words
No meaning, no meaning, no purpose
Words falling through time
Space
Void
Nothing

Brittle pages swept in the wind, flying high
Ripped
Scattered
Lost

Words that represent a life, of deeds done, of love found
And lost
A life long gone, remembered by none
None but those who read the words

Cruelty intolerable

2008-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Cruelty. Pain . Cruelty intolerable, pain of the heart. Punishment for the undeserving. Hate returns again and again and again. The pain I feel is not my own. Why do I feel this way?
Its Dai again, its not his fault, he’s never at fault. To me he’s as close to perfection as a person can be, and I don’t believe in perfection. Nothing is perfect. No one can be. But Dai is close to that mythical thing. I want to keep him safe. I hate that I can’t do anything to stop his pain.
Dai is being tortured by John. And it hurts me to see him being hurt. Again John won’t leave him alone, he lingers at Dai’s work, lingers like a bad smell. I’ve never liked john, and he’s never liked me. And now it’s beyond dislike, its pure hate. I’ve never hated anyone like this. Never. Not even my dad, or Ben. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone so badly. I’m not normally an angry person, sure I get angsty like everyone else, but I’ve never felt this angry. I don’t know how to deal with it. When Dai comes home from work, I can tell if John hassled him, I can tell that he’s upset, I can tell that he doesn’t know what to do.

I want to think of happier things. But I can’t. Dai told me about how he’s been in love with me for so long. He told me that every time I had a girlfriend, he’d cry himself to sleep. It makes me feel awful. I wish he’d said something sooner. I don’t know how I would have reacted if he’d said that he loved me a year ago, or two years ago. We probably would have gotten together. Maybe. I don’t know if we’d still be together now.

I wrote this weeks ago.. I just forgot to post it.

Sound In A Vacuum

2008-07-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

Light ripples, sound in a vacuum.

There’s a fork in the road its time to decide,

continue down this path I’m on.

It’s served me well thus far.

Or go the other way,

wake up, and care about something other than myself.

Forget myself, adrift, alone,

forget all I have known,

adrift, at peace, light ripples,

a scream, first the rage, the vacuum

Past is pain, a new beginning in anger

Let it come, this new rage from within

A new way of seeing,

I am centred not central.

It is time, time to wake up

Time to care

Forget myself

I like what I’m becoming

Love and fear.

2008-07-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

That’s where I’m at now. I love Dai, but I’m afraid of hurting him. After what he’s been through, after what….. I don’t even want to think about how he was treated. I’ve never wanted anyone like this, and yet been so afraid to take what I want. Love makes you see things differently. I care about him, I worry about him. He takes sleeping pills and that scares me, but I don’t want to say anything

How things can change in 24 hours. I never thought I’d feel like this. Sex without love is so empty in comparison. I want to write more. But I can’t.

Right Where It Belongs

2008-07-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wander if it’s worth it?

Take a look at the world, it’s fucked, nothing is going to fix it any time soon. We’ve raped this planet. Humanity can’t exist without its greed, its corruption, its inability to care about anything but its self. Humans are selfish. When someone dies, we cry, not because the person is dead, but because the person is gone from our lives. Humanity is weak. What other animals are so weak? Most animals can run within hours after their birth, it takes months for a human to walk!

From the moment we are born we begin to die.

Live once, and make it count.

Life isn’t fair, life is pain.

Home

2008-07-19T05:47:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel that life is burning me out, leaving me a hollow shell. I know life isn’t meant to be like this. I don’t know what the fuck is going on inside my head and its driving me crazy. I think it’s because my life has no direction.

Anyway… back to other stuff. It seems that nurse Betty has decided to move in with her boyfriend, leaving the flat to Dai and me. Convenient, now I don’t have to look for another place. And my mother is giving me an ‘allowance’, so that takes the pressure off job hunting.

Dai is still not quite himself, he’s not as talkative, and spends a lot of time reading or sleeping, when he’s not at work. The whole flat is becoming a mess, but then, what do you expect when it’s inhabited by two guys? We’ve run out of clean coffee cups, spoons, knives, plates……. Pretty much everything. Dirty clothes end up on the floor, clean ones never get put away. The bathroom is beginning to ‘grow’.

I need to write more.

Help me I’m in Hell

2008-07-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a place I don’t wan to be. I'm so fukin high and since I don’t wanna deal with the comedown, I’ve popped another pill… well I know how stupid that is. But I’ve done it. Yeah. I m in a place I don’t want to be. I’ve messed up online friendships with my own stupidity, and on top of that, I read Dai’s comment. We’ve talked, some. In that revelation I’ve found relief in knowing the truth but at the same time more pain. My head is so fucked right now. I can’t think straight. I’m beginning to hate what I’ve become. Am I really heartless? I feel like I’m too fucked up to care. But that’s not the truth. Cos I’m starting to care, and that’s making things worse. I guess you could say I’m suffering from a dose of reality. I don’t want it. Reality sucks. I love Dai so much it fucking hurts. And now knowing what that fucking bastard did to him. Next time I see john, I’m gonna have a hard time not breaking his fuckin face. Bastard. I want to kill him for what he’s done to Dai

That was four/five days ago. I’m still on that emotional rollercoaster. Dai isn’t sleeping well, I’m not sleeping well. But at least we’re talking more again. The flat is a mess, Nurse Betty is staying with a ‘friend’ so she doesn’t know what’s going on here. Dai doesn’t want her to know either. I can’t even write properly. Most of it comes out as complete gibberish.

Hurt

2008-06-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

I know I haven’t written anything here recently.. I’ve been sick with tonsillitis. Stupid really. Anyway. I have a problem with Dai. He’s holding something back, but won’t tell me what it is. There’s never been any secrets between us, we tell each other everything, or, at least I thought we did.

He’s hurt, but not by me. He says its past, but if its past then why is he still hurting? I don’t ever want to see him hurt. I want to know what the hell happened, I want to help him if I can. He won’t talk about it. Every time I try to get him to talk all he’ll say is that he wishes he’d waited for me and then either gets really moody or turns away and ends up crying. I don’t know what he means by that. Should have waited for me.

A better place

2008-06-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I think I’m actually happy now… I’m not really used to feeling happy. Its really odd. Dai is really worried that I’ll do something stupid again. Not gonna happen. Not while I’m in such a happy place. I feel really bad about being so stupid. I gotta say, falling for your best friend is totally awesome, so long as they fall for you.

Danni and Holly’s responses to me and Dai getting together were much the same. “About bloody time.” And, “It took you long enough.” So everyone knew, except me? Am I really that blind? Five years we’ve been friends. Best friends. He’s waited five years for me to notice him. I’m blind.

I met mother for a coffee yesterday. Dad won’t allow me back into the house. Mother suggested we meet, I suggested the café where Dai works. She’s not bothered about me being with Dai, I thought she would be. If anything, she seemed relieved. She said it was good to see me smiling, and if I really need money, she’d help me out. When she said goodbye she hugged me. I think that’s the first hug I’ve gotten from her since I was a baby. I guess she still cares about her strange child.

If I’m going to get my own place, I’m going to need to get another job. I can’t even afford a room in a share house with my current wage. Dai doesn’t want to be away from me again, so we’ll be getting a place together. But to do that I need more money. Its hard to get a job when you’ve got limited qualifications. I could get work in a restaurant or something. The kind of place that’s open during the day and serves drinks….. But for one thing. My appearance. I don’t quite look right. Not for a place like that. But I don’t want to change too much. Ok, my hair is black again. It’s more ‘normal’ for looking for work.

I hate hunting for work. I’m having no luck. I also don’t really like being a ‘guest’, I want my own place. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. And then there’s Dai. I don’t know how he does it. Around him I’m calm, peaceful, in control of most of my thoughts…. He makes me feel wanted.

He’s the only stable thing I’ve got. I don’t have anything else.

Things aren’t always what you expect.

2008-06-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

I’m home in bed. Dai’s bed.

What the hell did I do??

The most stupid thing I could think of. I’d been drinking before I rang Dai, I needed the courage you find in alcohol, to be able to tell him how I felt. Hearing his words broke me, pushed me over the edge. I took every pill I could find in my room, and followed them with every bit of alcohol I had. Suicide? Yeah. Maybe. But not really. I didn’t take enough of anything to do the job, just enough to knock myself out.

I was sitting on the floor having what I thought was a final cigarette, surrounded by empty bottles, when Dai turned up. He threw himself on me, and begged me to forgive him, that I’d got it all wrong. All I could think was how hot he looked.

I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in hospital, alone.

I could have succeeded in making the stupidest mistake of my fucked up life. Luckily I’m to stupid the even get killing myself right.

I hate hospitals, they scare me. So waking up in one was one of the most terrifying things that’s ever happened to me. I couldn’t think of why I’d be in hospital. Suddenly I was swarmed by doctors and nurses. Maybe there was only one of each? You know how it is when you’re not really coherent; your brains still half asleep, nothing seems to make sense. When thy finally left me alone, I realised that I wasn’t really alone. Dai was there. He looked like he hadn’t slept or washed in a week, and so pale, I’ve never seen him like it. “I must have died, to be in heaven with an angel.” The most pathetic joke I’ve ever made. He looked like he couldn’t decide weather to laugh, cry or hit me. He tried to smile, and failed, he was trying not to cry. “Why did you do it?”

“Seemed like a good idea at the time?” not the smartest thing to say, he looked kinda pissed. “You said you didn’t want me, that here was someone else.” Now I was gonna start crying, I hate crying. “Shit. I thought that was what happened. I’m a fucking idiot.” He sat in the chair by the bed. “I stuffed up.” Dai stuffed up?? I didn’t think it was possible. “My phones being giving me the shits for weeks. The other call was john, I knew before I answered, and said what I said, but the stupid phone didn’t work, it put him on hold instead of you, so….” So? That was it? “There’s someone else?” I asked. I didn’t want to know. He suddenly turned red, “yeah, there’s always been someone else. I’ve liked the same person for a long time, only he didn’t want me.” I couldn’t breathe. I had to be dreaming. He turned away. We sat in silence for several minutes. The silence was broken by my mother. She was upset and slightly angry with me. Not surprising. Mother has always been distant, and a little cold in a way. Never any affection, but at the same time she’s always loved her strange child in a way. She’s stood up to dad for me a few times, in subtle ways. She’s given me money when I’m broke. She’s never commented on anything I’ve done, never encouraged me either. She told me that everyone had been worried about me. A lie. She thanked Dai for staying with me, and left. We sat in silence again. “You meant me?” I eventually asked. There was a ghost of a smile. That was all I needed. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again the room was dark, the light from the corridor was enough for me to see Dai still in the chair. This time with a blanket wrapped around him and his head on the bed. He looked so uncomfortable. I reached out and stroked his hair. He partially woke, looked at me sleepily, smiled, then went back to sleep. So did I.

The next morning, Dai’s mother brought him clean clothes and told him to get cleaned up because “you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and smell like you’ve been thrown in a manure heap,” her words. “Good one Nurse Betty.” She frowned at me. Once Dai had left she spoke to me. “I can’t believe you’d make jokes after the hell you’ve put my son through.”

Shame, embarrassment. Two things I’m not used to feeling. I really feel bad about what I’ve put everyone through. Especially Dai.

Dai drove me home. No one was there. That’s how much they love me. I nearly die, and they act like it never happened. “What do we do now?” I asked Dai. “Coffee and cigarettes?” I slumped in a chair and let him get the coffee. Furball leapt onto my lap, he seems to know when a person needs comfort. At least one person (a cat) was happy to see me home. He kneaded, without claws for once, curled up and started purring. I lit up, mother would have killed me if she caught me smoking anywhere in the house other than my room. She also would have killed me for using a saucer as an ashtray.

It was the first time I’d ever felt awkward around Dai.

We sat there on opposite sides of the table, not speaking, not looking at each other. Once the coffee cups were empty, he sighed heavily, and then spoke. “Where do we go from here?” “My room, we’re less likely to be interrupted.” I suggested. I’m not really sure what I meant by that. We sat at opposite ends of the bed as usual. “We’ve got to stop avoiding this,” he said. I couldn’t agree more, but was still uncertain of what to say.

“I’ve loved you since the day I met you.” Ok that was unexpected. I didn’t know what to say at that. “I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused?” What do I do when I’m stressed?? Smoke. He nicked it off me before I was half done. “Stop wasting time and talk!” I was about to light another when he snatched the lighter out of my hand, the cigarette from my mouth and kissed me. “You tried to kill yourself because you thought I didn’t want you, and now you don’t know what you want?” I knew what I wanted, I was just afraid to admit it. I pushed him back onto the bed and kissed him. It turned into a rather interesting afternoon. But the fun didn’t last long.

Only the grinch could ruin things so thoroughly. Yep you guessed it, dad walked in. You’d think I would have learned to lock my door. Anyway, Dai and I were half naked. He was on top of me with his hand down my pants. Dad walked in, froze, looked like he was gonna walk out again, but changed his mind. “What the fuck is going on??” Since his small mind couldn’t figure it out, I thought I’d help him out. I rolled Dai off me so I could reach the nightstand. I opened the drawer and took out a condom and lube. “Well dad, if you really must know, I thought I might fuck my boyfriend.” Dai got the giggles. Dad exploded.

“Thats enough of your bullshit, You’re outa here. You’ve got one hour. Pack your shit up and get out of my house.” Ok, he said more than that, he ranted for a while, I wasn’t listening.

So, that was that. I’ve finally been kicked out. It didn’t take us long to pack. Material possessions don’t mean that much to me, so I don’t have many. Clothes, books and cds. Not much else. I’ve been kicked out at last and I told dad I’m gay. Easier than I thought. Mother didn’t take it so well when I called her and said that dad had kicked me out for being gay. Elizabeth took it bad as well. She was disgusted that my dad kicked me out. She is ok with having me move in short-term, but said I’d have to get my own place soon.

So here I am, in Dai’s bed, in my new (temporary) home. And if you really must know, no, I haven’t fucked him yet. There’s no rush. I’m starting to understand what it means to love someone, and there’s no reason to hurry.

Drowning in Pain

2008-06-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

Dai got back earlier than planned, I didn’t know. I called him and found out that he was home. I told him I really needed to talk to him, that I’d finally figured it out. And I needed to tell him. While he was on the phone he got another call. He was gone for a few seconds. When he came back he said “I’m sorry, I can't do this, there’s someone else.” I hung up. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I couldn’t believe it. I was finally ready to do it, to come out and say ‘I love you.’ And I’m rejected before I even start. What kind of fucked up world is this? Why is my life shit? Why am I denied love? Why can’t I be happy? I dont wanna be here any more.

The day the whole world went away

2008-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you realise something that will change your life for ever? When everything takes on a whole new meaning? When what was all black and white is full of colours? I’ve lived my life feeling so empty, trying to fill the hole with sex and alcohol and drugs. And now something as simple as a change in perspective has caused the hole to be filled to overflowing. The numbness and emptiness have been replaced with so many feelings, it’s agonizing. I’m in so much pain, that I’m drinking to try and dull it. I want clarity but I’m afraid of it.

I’ve got to tell him.

A Path Of Ponderings

2008-06-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wander why I bother talking to most people, why bother being nice? When I dropped out of school the only people who supported my decision were Dai and Danni. My family flipped out. Dad stomped around the house, shouting and banging doors, mother cried and begged me to reconsider, Ben called me a looser, dropkick. A waste of space. Marie just ignored me, as usual. I don’t know what their problem is? I wasn’t far of getting expelled anyway. Did they really think I’d further my education?

After about 6 months of being at home all the time (really fucking boring), dad told me to get a job or move out. I got a job. Two nights a week at the shitty bar we hang out at the most. Its grungy as all hell, and the pay is shit. I’m thinking of getting a second job, so I can move out.

Dai is going to art school, he wants to be a designer. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel so lost. When I was five I wanted to be wolverine. Now I have no idea. I’m an adult now, but I feel like I’m a bottle in an ocean. Maybe more like a rock, like I’m sinking. Or like I’m a kite in a cyclone, completely out of control and being torn apart. I wish I could find whatever it is that I’m looking for. Its like trying to remember the name of a place you went to when you were really small. Its something you should know, but you just can’t catch it. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m itching for something to do, but everything bores me.

I finally caught up with Holly today. She’s been working hard at whatever it is she’s working on, but she wont tell anyone what it is. Holly is my cousin, but she’s also one of my best friends, even though I don’t see her all that often. She’s older than me, but as with many people I know, age doesn’t matter. Holly is the one family member that I can get along with. She doesn’t judge me for my choices, she’s gotten drunk or stoned with me on more than one occasion. Not that either of our parents know that.

Talking to holly made me realise just how much I’m missing Dai. It’s like having a limb cut off. It’s a feeling I can’t really describe. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe it’s something else.

I was chatting to a girl in a forum recently, not something I usually do. And I found myself telling her stuff. Stuff that I haven’t told anyone; (until I wrote it here) I told her I’d never been in love. But she found something in other things I said, something that I hadn’t considered.

I’m in love with Dai.

Reading that makes me feel dizzy. Has what I’ve been looking for been right here all along? I feel sick and stupid at the thought. Why haven’t I realised this before? It would explain my inability to fall in love with girls wouldn’t it?

I’m starting to see patterns where, before, there was only chaos.

Dai has never really had a relationship with another guy. He’s sort of dated John, on and off for the last year. I don’t really know how far they’ve gone. I walked in on (and walked back out) John giving Dai head on Dais 18^th. John left soon after. And Dai just wanted to kiss me, then he felt sick, puked, and passed out. He really shouldn’t try to drink as much as me. He weighs so little. He really should eat more. I carried him to bed. When I crash at his place I always sleep in his bed, it’s a double so there’s plenty of room. But that night, rather than sleep on opposite sides, he rolled into the middle and snuggled up to me, like a chic would. At the time I thought it was because he thought it was john in the bed. Now I’m not so sure.

Almost every time we’ve ever kissed, its been his idea. I’ve never minded, chicks love watching two guys kiss. And yeah, I like kissing him, he’s good. But he’s always disappointed when we stop. He wanted to give me head, and did.

Is that what I’d failed to notice all this time? Is that why he keeps breaking up with John? Every time I’m single. And gets back with him when I’m not?

Dai is in love with me?

I really need to talk to him, in person, not on the phone.

I feel like my head is gonna explode, I feel so confused.

Well dad, I think I’m gay.

Weekend part 2

2008-06-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

I don’t recommend goin on a bender. I feel ill, I really don’t wanna move. I don’t remember half of what I did. But I’ll try.

I woke up on the bathroom floor. Obviously none of my family had used the downstairs bathroom, or they would have found me. That’s the best thing about being shunted downstairs. After the Michelle incident I’ve been banished from going upstairs. I got kicked out of my room. But I like my new room better. Ha! I’m in the guest room, which means I kinda have my own bathroom, cos everyone uses the upstairs.

Yeah, the bathroom floor. That’s where I woke up. I guess I’d been makin friends with the toilet bowl. I somehow ended up in bed and slept for a while.

Before the floor. I think I was in a chat room, maybe. What did I say? I don’t know.

Chartreuse. That’s what did it. I was fine until I drank from the wrong bottle. Don’t even remember where it came from. My advice: don’t drink it.

I think I passed out at the party. I must have. I woke up there and started drinking again Sunday morning. I got home somehow. Dunno how. Walked? Hitched a lift? Dunno. No one else was home, so I went back to the vodka. The best way to stop a hangover is to keep drinking. It mostly works, so long as you don’t puke.

I think I’d like to die now. Please.

My weekend

2008-06-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

I stared drining at about midday sarturday. it got me into a happy place. Then I went to a party. It wa cool . at matts place, matts a friend of andy, whos a friend of danni. I got drunk-er. Snogged andy, for a dare, that was fun. And im still drunk her on Sunday.

Somewhat Damaged

2008-06-06T04:21:00.000-07:00

so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew too high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything

lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete

made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead

broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

in the back
off the side
far away
is a place
where i hide
where i stay

tried to say
tried to ask
i needed to
all alone
by myself
where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change
is different now

just like you
would always say
we'll make it through
then my head
fell apart
and where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now

like you said
you and me
make it through
didn't quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

Love this song. Suits how I feel most of the time, somewhat damaged, that’s me. And betrayed. I can think of only three people that I trust. Dai, Holly and Danni. Dai is everything I want to be (except being gay, maybe). He’s the best looking guy I know, he’s smart, and funny. I can talk to him about anything.

Holly’s great too. She’s older than me by a few years, but that doesn’t matter. She’s the only family member I would choose to have as family.

Danni is insane. I know waaaaaaay too much about her sex life. I can’t help but like her, probably because we’re so much alike. But I only ever think of her as a friend. Never going there!

I just wanna be in love with someone!!!

The kitten that killed.

2008-06-04T06:31:00.001-07:00

My sister Marie got a kitten for her11th birthday. She named it fluffy, I call him furball. One day Marie ran screaming through the house, ‘Fluffy’ had left her a nice little pressie, a dead mouse. It took ages for ‘Fluffy’ to be trained to deposit the dead bodies in a place that was easy to clean (the bath). Marie kept finding dead birds and mice in her room. Yes, kittens can kill.

Closer to what?

2008-06-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Closer vs Closer to God

Two versions of the same song, or so it would seem. Basically both songs are about sex, but closer contains a cry for help, whereas closer to god feels more like rape.

Closer

you let me violate you First time?
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you Obvious
you let me complicate you

help me Cry for help
I broke apart my insides Going to pieces
help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me Sex as escape
help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything All I have is yours
Love?
help me
you tear down my reason
help me
it's your sex I can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

all through every forest
above the trees
within my stomach
scraped off my knees
I drink the honey
inside your hive
you are the reason As stated
I stay alive

Closer to God

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

I broke apart my insides
I’ve got no soul to sell
the thing that works for me
help me get away

I wanna fuck you
I wanna taste you
I wanna feel you
I wanna be you become someone else
just like an animal through sex?

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything

you tear down all my reason
you see through all I hide
you make me perfect
help me get inside

Why do both versions feel so right to me? I know I use sex as an escape when I crave love. I really wanna love someone. I wanna be in love. I want more than just sex.

I’ve been listening to Closer to God on repeat for the last half hour. It keeps reminding me of what I’m missing. The only thing that works for me, while I wait for love, fucking. I feel so fucking empty. I’m loosing it. I gotta find love, or just get laid again.

Every day is exactly the same.

2008-06-02T07:35:00.001-07:00

Ever feel like you’re on an endless cycle of deja vu??

I hate Mondays, they’re so boooooooring.

I didn’t do it, honest.

2008-06-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

I turned a girl down this weekend. I’d gone home with her, and was in her bed. But I changed my mind. I didn’t want to have sex. I dunno why. It’s really weird for me. I just don’t feel right in my own skin. It’s like a feeling of anticipation, like somethings gonna happen. Something I dread. I’m getting really jumpy too. I don’t like this at all. And my shrink is no help.

Women are whores

2008-06-01T11:35:00.001-07:00

I’ve dated a lot of girls, and I’ve figured something out; they’re all whores. I guess it makes sense since it’s the oldest profession. I ask a girl out, we go out for coffee, I have to pay, take her to see a movie, I pay, dinner, again my wallet comes out. They just expect it. One chick got upset cos I suggested we watch movies at home, “don’t you want to be seen in public with me?” I said it wasn’t that, I had no money that’s all. She dumped me, what a bitch. I hate women like that, they just want a boyfriend as a status symbol and so they don’t have to pay. The more you ‘romance’ them, the more willing they are to perform sexual favours. It’s kinda like. Dinner and movie = you get to feel her up. Flowers, dinner, go clubbing = you get head. Three good dates = sex. See? Women are whores.

I remember ready about a study that was done somewhere with chimps (I think), where they taught them about trade. For doing tasks they were given tokens, which they could use to exchange for things, food, toys etc. The female chimps found a way to get extra tokens. Yep, even female chimps will be whores to get the stuff they want.

I see it all the time at work, a chick will flirt with a guy to get him to buy her a drink. A few drinks later and they’re kissing in a corner.

What’s wrong with fair trade? Why is it always at the guy’s expense?

Horny

2008-05-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of those days when you’re so horny you’d fuck a dead camel? Ok, maybe not that bad, but not far off. Heres how my day went. Wake up, wank, go back to sleep, wake up again, wank, again, have shower, guess what I did in the shower? Couldn’t stop thinking about sex all day. Not so much sex as getting head.

I like getting head. A lot. Not all girls are willing to go down on a guy, and most who do don’t have a clue. Not many will swallow either. I’ve been trying to think who the best I’ve ever had was. There’s been a couple who really stand out. One was a friend of Danni, I can’t remember her name, and Amber. But the best, by far, was Dai, fuckin awesome!

One afternoon, when I was 14, Dai and I were chatting in my room and he’d gone quiet, and after a while said, “there’s something I’ve got to tell you”. I said “ok.” He said “I’m gay.” I laughed and said, “I know”. He said “no, really, I’m gay”. “Dude! I know!”

It took him a while to realise I was telling the truth. Then he said “I wanna give you head.” I nearly fell off the bed. I thought ‘ok, its just head, doesn’t make me gay.’ Damn, he was good!

“Ya wanna know something funny?” he asked when we were done. “Your dad saw that, he walked in, and went straight back out again.” So, dad saw Dai going down on me? I didn’t care, but it was funny. Dad didn’t talk to me for weeks, didn’t even look at me, and left any room I entered.

Dai is gay. So what? He’s still my best friend. I wouldn’t care if he was a dendraphiliac.

The next person he told was his mother. All she said was “I always knew you were a bit queer.”

Ever been caught getting yourself off? I have. Caught out by the grinch himself, my dad. It was a Sunday afternoon; I was home alone, watching tv, hand down my pants, on the couch. Dad walked in. I didn’t stop. He yelled at me “oh my fucking god what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I looked at him, “what’s it fucking look like?” Then I came. “don’t you have the decency to be embarrassed? You fuckin’ little freak, You disgust me..” He ranted all the way to the other end of the house and slammed the door of his study. He was too disgusted to talk to me for weeks, until my next stunt.

I love pissing him off.

Damn, I’m so fucking horny.

Oh well, got to go to work.

The sick among the Pure

2008-05-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Whats with the virgin emo chick thing?? I just don’t get it.

Here’s how it goes. I always thought it was a myth.

There was this chick, she’s kina hot, about a year or so younger than me, she followed me around everywhere, like a lost puppy. So I gave up and asked her out. The first few dates were ok. She likes kissing so we made-out a lot, which is fine by me, except it gets me really horny, not helped by the fact that I’ve got this chick on my lap, grinding against me. I invite her home, thinking hopefully that there might be a chance for things to go further. And they do. She likes my hand being down her pants, so much so that she gives me head. A couple of days later it happens again. Not bad, lucky me.

About a week later she tells me that she wants to go further, but that shes a virgin and wants to stay that way. Then she tells me that I can fuck her arse if I want. And I’m, like ‘well if that’s all I’m gone get, why not?’

After, I said that I didn’t see how she could consider herself to still be ‘pure’, after what we’d just done. She said that since she was still technically a virgin it was ok. But she looked worried.

Then less than a week later shes all upset and want’s to breakup.

I don’t get it.

The shit I do to piss off my family

2008-05-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Coloring my hair.

It’s been black, blond and is currently blue, I might go back to black, but the blue really bugs dad.

Piercings, the more the better.

I started with my ears, no one noticed. Next I got a septum; yeah it’s pretty hard to miss a fucking ring through your son’s nose! I got grounded (like that ever stoped me). I got both nipples done when I was 16 (its great having friends who’ll do it for you.). Dad never noticed until I was 17, then the shit hit the fan. Add to that snakebites and my right eyebrow, I should have been kicked out by now.

Put my sister’s tampons in my brother’s sock drawer.

No one else was at home, I wasn’t supposed to be either, I just went home to change before heading out. When I say change what I really meant was….

Wear my sister’s clothes.

I do it all the time, from when she was 14 and I was 16. It started with t-shirts, but soon enough I was stealing her jeans and socks. I don’t bother so much these days, I go buy my own chick clothes.

Get caught fucking.

As often as possible, all over the house.

Get caught kissing guys.

Its only Dai, so I don’t think that really counts. Is that why dad calls me a fag?

Get caught getting head from another guy.

Again, only Dai. Maybe THAT’S why dad calls me a fag?

Smoking, drinking and drugs.

Too easy.

Drop out of school.

It was a waste of time anyway.

Self-Destruction

2008-05-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

The more time I spend alone with my thoughts the more I begin to question myself. Why am I so self-destructive? What’s with all this self loathing? I don’t feel suicidal.

Why do I smoke? Habit

Why drink? To socialise, to have fun (I’m such a slut when I’m drunk.) But then why drink alone? What does alcohol do to me? It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, isn’t that what love is supposed to do? Is drinking a substitute for love?

Why use drugs? Each one that I use is for a different reason.

Why rebel? Why the fuck not?

“It keeps growing and I can feel it breathe. I have been trying to behave myself.”

Don’t

Feel

Anything

Sex is something I do to kill time?

2008-05-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

Probably.

Once I started I didn’t want to stop. Its yet another addiction. I’ve been trying to remember all the girls I’ve slept with. I haven’t been in love with any of them. Meaningless sex?? No, not really. I’ve loved some of them, sort of, just not been ‘in love’. I’ve cared about them. I’m not completely heartless. But sometimes a guy can’t pass up on an opportunity that’s too good to refuse. My first time was one of those. It was a friend of my sister, and I was 15. Marie was having a sleepover with some friends from her hocky team. I was on the way back to my room from the bathroom, I’d just had a shower. Alice came out of Marie’s room and I thought she was heading to the bathroom, I smiled at her, and went into my room. She followed, pushed the door shut and locked it. I wasn’t supposed to have girls in my room. She kissed me, pushed me back onto my bead and had her PJs off in about 2 seconds. Yep, my first time was with one of my sisters friends. Alice was 15 at the time and was in the class ahead of me at school.

Next I dated a couple of girls, only lasted a week or two each. I screwed one of them, I don’t remember which.

Next was Emma, a girl from Dais class. She had the hots for him something bad, unfortunately for her, he’d just comeout. So she settled on me. The sex was ok, she was enthusiastic. We lasted about 6 weeks.

Next was Amber. What a headfuck. Great in the sack though.

Then Crystal, who wanted it then cried after.

Then Michelle. She was 17., I was 16. Ben had broken up with her about two months before. I fucked her, in his bed. He walked in when we were done, and I was using one of his trophies as an ashtray. I ran, they argued for hours after and it seems that this younger brother is the much better lay.

There’s been lots of others. I can’t’ be bothered listing them all.

Do I have a favorite?

Well ‘they’ say you’ll always remember your first, and ‘they’ are right, Alice is my favorite. We tried dating for a while. It didn’t work. Last time I saw her she was preggers (not mine). She got kicked out of school for it. I’ve since found out some rather interesting things about her. She likes ‘breaking in’ young guys. She’s been the first for at least a dozen other guys, and more amusingly girls too. When I saw her leaving my sisters room that first time, well she’d just finished getting sweet little Marie off, and succeeded in making herself overly horny, that’s why she jumped me. I find the whole thing rather funny, most other guys would be grossed out at the thought of screwing a chick who’d just fingered their sister.

And yet, after fucking so many girls, I still haven’t found love.

I don’t seem to be able to have a relationship with anyone. I can’t fall in love. All I have is sex, to the point of obsession. It’s like watching yourself go insane. From the outside.

Lonely days

2008-05-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

I’m missing Dai a lot right now. He’s gone to visit his dad for a few weeks. I’m feeling really alone, everyone is busy. Not me. Danni is out of town too. Holly is working on something and hasn’t got time for anyone. So I spent the weekend alone. None of the chicks I usually hookup with are available. It was just me, my porn and a line of speed. I gotta find something better to do when I’m alone.

If Dai was here he’d tell me to stop being stupid and drag me off to do something fun. I dunno what I’d do without him.

After about months of seeing me in my brothers hand-me-down Dai asked if I ever bought my own clothes, “you know, ones that fit?” I’d never thought about it, I was so used to wearing Ben’s oversized cast offs. I asked Mother for some money to buy new clothes, she was a little surprised, but gave it to me, more than I’d expected. Dai took me shopping. I’ve never known anyone who can actually make shopping for clothes fun. Not like Dai. He dragged me through store after store, making me try stuff on and telling me what to buy. I’ve got no sense of style, I look good all thanks to Dai. Hes my fashion Guru.

Dai also helped me with my homework a lot. I never got any help at home. Mother worked all the time, Dad would just tell me to go look it up and Ben was busy with his own. After school I’d go to Dai’s house and he’d help me. We didn’t go to the same school. My parents wasted money by sending me to a posh school, and Dai’s folks couldn’t afford to send him to a better school. So at school I still had no friends, not until Dai started introducing me to the friends of his friends. Some went to my school. None of them were in my class, they were older or younger, but that didn’t matter, it meant there were people who went to my school who I could talk to. Danni is one of those people, she was the girlfriend of one of Dai’s friends. Actually Danni has been the girlfriend of a lot of guys, or just slept with them. Ok to tell the truth, I think she’s the town bike. And I ain’t going there! I had the opportunity years ago, I was still a virgin then, but I thought she had a boyfriend at the time (I don’t condone cheating) and turned her down. Now she’s too good a friend for me to ever consider bedding (that and I don’t know where she’s been).

Thanks to Dai, I actually had passing grades and had people to talk to at school.

Sometimes Dai came over to my house, I was always a bit embarrassed, at least to begin with. My family has money, and can be more than a bit snobby. Mother liked him immediately, probably because he was my only friend at the time and was the reason I was starting to dress better. Dad didn’t like him then and still doesn’t, probably because dad thought Dai was a girl. Its an easy mistake to make, he is rather pretty, and does wear girls clothes often, and a lot of makeup. Dad also thought Dai was short for Daisy.

When I was 16 we had a school dance. We were allowed to bring dates, I could have asked anyone of a number of girls, but Dai and I had a better plan. He would go as my date. He passes as a more than slightly pretty girl, although really flat-chested. He even bought a dress for the occasion, and got hair extensions. He looked like one of those overly pretty emo/scene girls. The boy is crazy.

There was a group of us who went to the dance together, they all knew who Dai really was, no one else did. I think that was the most fun I’ve ever had, that evening.

I can’t wait for Dai to get back, phones are a great way to keep in contact, but nothing beats a conversation in person.

Best Friends

2008-05-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

David and I became friends really quickly. He was the first and only friend I had. We spent every weekend together, at his place. I don’t think my family had a problem with it, it meant I was out of the house and they didn’t care.

David and I watched tv, listened to music and played games on his computer (I didn’t have one). His mother is a nurse, she worked nights a lot, and slept during the day. We pretty much did as we pleased (and still do).

We smoked (he nicked them from his mother), sometimes we got drunk (I nicked my dads booze). It was one of those times when we decided to kiss. I was a few months off my 14^th birthday Neither of us had ever been kissed, we both wanted to know what it was like. So we gave it a go. It was hilarious. If anyone had walked in on us they would have died laughing. We were both really drunk, so drunk we couldn’t stand (I don’t remember what we were drinking). It was sloppy. Ikk. I don’t wanna think about how bad it was.

A few weeks later Dai decided we should try again, while sober. He put a hand either side of my face and kissed me, soft and warm. Much better. That became our new thing, kissing. I couldn’t wait to kiss a girl, he seemed happy to be kissing me. It was weird. But that’s when I began to suspect he wasn’t interested in girls. It didn't bother me.

childhood

2008-05-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was never a normal kid, not like my perfect brother and sister. I’m the middle kid. My brother is two years older than me, my sister is two years younger. My brother, Ben, was an highschool sports star. It dosen’t matter what he does, hes good at it. He’s now studying to be a doctor. And I don’t give a damn. He gave me hell from when we were little, he always picked on me for being smaller, slower and weaker. He’d push me over and laugh, for no reason. Simply because he could. My sister Marie was born two years after me, she was what my mother wanted. Two years old, ignored by my dad who was playing catch with my four year old brother, ignored by my mother who was fussing with my new sister. As we got older it all got worse. Once I started school, I had my big brothers over-sized shoes to fill, in more ways than you’d imagine.

I always got his hand-me-down clothes, and they were always too big. Even now I’m a lot smaller than him. Everyone expected me to be just like him. He played sport, I fell over, dropped the ball, and nearly drowned in the pool. I read comics, didn’t say much, didn’t eat much and didn’t grow much. It’s like I was afraid to grow. I got picked on by bens friends for being his weedy little brother. And I hated it. No one wanted to be my friend. Dad was always at me “why cant you be more like Ben?”. But I don’t wanna be like him.

Then my sister Marie started school. Everyone liked her. She’s pretty, smart, popular. She could read and write before she even started school. Not me. No, I had to struggle trough, I never got help with homework or projects.

Life is shit when you feel unimportant and in the way.

Not long after my thirteenth birthday, I was walking home from school when I saw a bunch of my brothers friends picking on a kid. It was the kind of thing they did. Catch some kid out on their own and beat the crap out of them. For fun. They saw me.

“It’s your turn tomorrow, weedy boy!” one of them yelled at me.

Good luck finding me. I thought. I would go home the long way for the next month. I didn’t want to get beatenup agin.

The kid was still lying on the ground. I asked if he was ok, and helped him to his feet. He said he was fine and offered me a ciggie. I was kinda shocked, he looked a lot younger than me. He wasn’t though, once we started talking I found out he was older than me and had just moved to town. His name was David. We agreed to meet at the mall the next day. When we said goodbye he leaned in and kissed my cheek. Strange kid.